Looking Back

I have been looking back a lot lately, looking at how my life was a year ago,a year ago I was just letting go of grandfather at his memorial. I listened to the airman play TAPS on his trumpet and watched my grandma cling to my little sister for strength, when I dropped my red carnations in the river I think I might have let go of some of myself too. Loosing someone you love so much is never easy and it always changes you no matter how much you want to fight it. I am starting to get parts of me back slowly but I closed myself off this past year and only the people who fought for it have stuck around. I know nobody should ever have to fight for your friendship it is another one of those unconditional loves but I was nervous, scared, sad, and angry, and had just said good bye to my grandpa and then a few months later saying see you later to my husband for 7 months. My best defensive mechanism has always been to close up and put my wall up. My friends didn't like it so much to see me close myself off and push them all away and to just let myself go. I did struggle quite a bit, that's an understatement I struggled a lot. But since having my husband back and seeing my grandma still trying to have a life after losing her husband of 50 years how could I not fight to find myself again. My grandma may be cranky a little bit overbearing sometimes she does it all out of love for her family. I didn't think losing my grandpa would hurt as much as it did because I knew he was sick and knew he wouldn't be around forever but it's never easy. When I got my tattoo for him it helped a lot but still couldn't let go. I think I finally let go this Feb when I went to see my grandma and got to see his memorial site. It was beautiful, everything he would of wanted, not a place to mourn him but a place to remember everything he loved and everything he was about. I went with my husband and even though he didn't know my grandpa very well there are things about him that remind me of him. People always say you marry someone who reminds you of all the things you love in your dad but not me, I found someone who reminds me of all the things I love about my grandpa. I wish every day that I could have 5 more mins with my grandpa, but then when I needed it the most I looked up and saw the light coming through the clouds and it reminded me I get those 5 mins every time that light comes through, I get my 5 mins, it reminds me he's watching over me. I am happy I have come to this far. I love my grandpa forever. I will spend my whole life remembering him, but now in the right way.

The Porch Swing

This weekend was my birthday and for those of you who do not know my husband is currently on his second deployment. My parents came up from Florida so I would have some family with me on my birthday and that in itself was an amazing present. I have known for the last month that my hubby was planning a birthday surprise for me and that our 2 closest friends were in on it. My birthday morning came and all but ran next door to my friends house to get it. She brought it over and I came outside and...... it was a PORCH SWING!!! For those of you who do not know me that well I do not think a front porch is complete without an old fashioned porch swing. This present meant more to me then I could ever explain, the fact Jess went through that much work to make sure I got a gift from him on my birthday. I love him more and more every day and he got something that we can use forever and it's for both of us. To me it was like saying I wanna spend the next 50 years swinging on this next to you, to show me how invested he was in us even from thousands of miles away. He would have done anything to be here for my birthday and I know in my heart he was right here with each heartbeat I could feel his love. I plan to have our last name carved into the swing and I hope to be able to post a picture once it's hung. I am more in love with him then I ever thought I could be with one person. I love you Jesse.
Always in my heart,
C.Smith

The Packing, The Moving, The Going.

She packs. She moves. She follows. Why? What for? How come? You may think she has lost her mind. But actually, she's lost her heart. Given to a man who took it thousands of miles away. A man who puts duty first, who salutes the flag, and whose boots in the doorway remind her that it takes one hell of a person to do what he does & she will forever stand by his side. As we start to pack to move into our house I remind myself of this. I do what I have to keep all the stress off my husband and take on more than I probably should to always make him happy. My friends will tell you I take on more than I should and if you asked my body it would probably say the same thing. I get constant nausea from being so stressed something I am trying to work on. Just when we got settled we are moving again but now it is in to a house that will soon become our home. Right after we close on the house or possibly even a few days before my husband will be deploying again. I knew this was a possibility, I guess I just didn't wanna believe it would actually happen. There are days when I keep my emotions to myself, when drama happens I don't tell Jess as often as I used to to keep more stress off of him. I have made great friends in this life we live that will support me, help me, and take care of me while Jess is away. I've slowly taken all the pictures off the walls and the wall of filled boxes keeps getting stacked higher & higher. I wish some days that we could just call up the packing fairy and say move this here and if you feel like buying new furniture along the way and just dropping it my new living room I won't complain. We all know that's a fantasy though, that all of this hard work & effort will pay off in the end. I will be so proud of myself for doing this and decorating the house and not having to take handouts to be able to afford the new furniture we want. We are keeping almost all our hand me down furniture until we find the stuff we love and have made the money for it. I am even taking on a job this deployment to keep myself busy & help with our savings. I know I don't have to, that we could live just fine without it but to know that we would have more money to fall back on makes me happier. I also get rewarded for all my hard work during this deployment and I get to buy the camera of my dreams with all the gadgets. Jess has made me wait 2 years to get this camera but he has finally agreed. I have a 35mm that I will still take pictures with and am so proud of but more than anything I am fulfilling my dreams and following my heart. Since I was little I have always loved the beauty you can find behind the lens of a camera, you can see the world differently and capture the way you see it. I have not said this to many people but my goal one day is to travel to poverty stricken areas and do some photojournalism work along with missionary work. I can't not say it enough how much I love this type of art. I know I went off on a little rant, but I just can't wait to be able to hang my art around our house!!!! It's a dream come true, the house, the husband, the art. I feel like everything is finally going to be exactly the way I've always wanted minus the deployment. 

ALWAYS IN MY HEART,

C.SMITH

What we've all been waiting for.

We have all waited since the day those towers fell to hear that Osama Bin Laden is dead, now we can all feel a little more at ease to know that he is. President Obama made his speech on the matter last night, if you would like to read it here is a link
http://www.vancouversun.com/news/Read+President+Obama+statement+Osama+Laden+death/4707477/story.html
He says quite frequently in his speech the word "I" and rarely the word "we". I am so proud to call myself a military wife but I would never take responsibility for something I didn't accomplish. Obama may sit behind his desk, sign off on things, and make important calls, but last time I checked he was not the one taking the risks. He does not fire the weapon, he does not make the sacrifice, he does not leave his family worrying if he will make it back. Our troops do that and I believe they deserve more credit then given. I know some people will not like this post & that is perfectly fine you don't have to. This is America and we have the right of freedom of speech, not given to us by the president but given to us by the men & women who fight for us every day. The ones who truly risks their lives and some that have already made the ultimate sacrifice. So while we all rejoice in the fact that a man who helped plan the murder of thousands is dead please remember to pray for our troops who still fight and pray for those that will never come home because they give you the freedom. The president just sits there and gives the orders he does not suffer the consequences.

Always in My heart
C.smith

Coming Home

The four words that help all of us wives sleep better at night " I am coming home". Jess will be home soon from training and I can't wait. I will be cleaning the house completely which is a lot of work if you know me. I will be giving our puppy a bath and making a dinner menu for the week he comes home. It's back to normal for us. Jess is my slice of normal in this military life. He reminds me every day why I fell in love with him in the first place.For those of you that read my blog and aren't military wives treat your husbands like they have been away for weeks even if they haven't. The way to keep a marriage going is to be constantly falling in love with the same person over and over again. I know he'll only be home for a month but for me that is better than nothing. I will take every second and cling to it! I will take as pictures as I can remember to, and spend less time on my phone and computer and more time with Jess. I realize more every day how precious life is and that you never know how much time you have left on this earth so cherish it.

Always in my heart,
C.Smith

You knew what you were getting yourself into

Since day one of being with my husband I have been told by anyone and everyone that you don't know what you're getting yourself into this life isn't gonna be easy. Thank you guys for the words of encouragement. Now that we are married I hear all the time well you knew what you were getting yourself into when you got married so you shouldn't complain when you're alone, or be sad your husband isn't there. EXCUSE ME?! You live this life with no complaining, no tears, and no sadness. I fell in love with Jess for who he is, not he job, HIM!
When I started planning our wedding during his first deployment my mother told me she wasn't sure if it was the best idea to plan so early, what if something were to "happen" to Jess. At the time I just brushed it off. All I wanted was for him to come home and any time someone would say something like that I would walk away and cry and later have nightmares. Jesse came home safely, and my mom was thrilled. Well 2nd deployment was a few months away and we were signing the papers for our brand new house and my mom asks me if that is the best idea, what if Jess doesn't come back. I then got overwhelmed with sadness but once again I let it go and let the nightmares come back.
Well tonight my mom brought it back up, that I shouldn't complain cause I knew what I was getting myself into and this time I broke, I may have known what I was getting into but it does not make it any easier for me or for Jess. Then she brought up the well God forbid something happens to him Chels, and I broke again, and I ended up hanging up on her after saying you don't think I don't think about that every second of every day. I know that is a possibility, I know he could not come home and he could possibly die. Every day of my life I worry about him.
I'm so tired of hearing that.
always in my
heart
c.smith

I just have something to say.

I have always been a writer, & the past week is something that I need to write about. Since I was born I have had this amazing man in my life who taught me so much, he taught me how to build & fix things, he told me stories of when he was my age, and he made me believe in the story that all grandfathers are a wonderful gift from god. Then a week ago after fighting for 2 1/2 years, his body just gave out. He did not give up the fight but it was jsut time for him to go home. And I'm angry for that, angry at God for taking the one man who listened to me ramble and was so proud of the smallest things that I did. He was there the day I married the man of my dreams and that I am thankful for, but what about the day I have kids or what about watching my baby sister graduate, or just being able to see any of his other grandkids get married. It's too soon, and I know that is selfish of me. He got to spend 50 wonderful years married to my grandma, he was a POW, he was a great father to 5 kids & a wonderful grandfather to 10 grandkids. He was there the day I did anything of importance, against doctors wishes he came to my wedding too. He said hell or high water, I'm not missing my first grandchild get married. Everyone knows that the person the old phrase, to be truly happy you should marry someone like your dad. I married someone who reminds me a great deal of my grandfather and I'm just sad he didn't get to know him better. He didn't get to hear all the stories I heard growing up, or help my grandpa build an airplane out of wood. I guess I'm angry because I'm selfish. He is in a better place, and he loved us all.

I have a wonderful best friend here in Jax, her name is Kay and I swear sometimes I believe she's my guardian angel. She pushes me to be this better version of myself. She has the light of god in her soul, and I swear she could make an atheist believe. But more than anything she has been by my side. I was always told you get 3 best friends in life, the one you make when you are little, the college/high school best friend, and then the one you meet when you've become who you are meant to be. Kay is the last, and I friend who I know will be in my life till the day I die. She struggles with letting me struggles, she wants to be able to fix it and give me the space I need but she doesn't know how, and I love her for that. She tells me how it is, no sugar coating. I will forever be blessed to have her in my life. She's been broken by this same thing and she will not let it break me, you can tell she will forever fight for my heart.

To top it all off, my husband will most likely be deploying 2 months early & be gone for roughly 7 weeks of training starting in a week or so. My husband is my best friend and I right now is when I need him the most and right now God is testing us. He is saying that at times I will seperate you, and even when he is who you need the most, you must come to me, and I will be there. God got my husband through this last deployment and let him have an open heart to forgive me for not being the best fiance in the world.

All of this added up stress & anger has led to lack of sleep. I have maybe got 3 hrs a sleep a night the past week. And it's cause God is breaking me. He wants me to come to him and he will heal me, but if I'm not ready to be healed or to forgive him, or even talk to him. Does that make me a rebelling child of god? Does that mean there is less love for me? I struggle with these questions. Is it ok for me to be angry with God?Would my grandfather still be proud of the girl he sees now?

Always in my heart.

C.smith