I have been looking back a lot lately, looking at how my life was a year ago,a year ago I was just letting go of grandfather at his memorial. I listened to the airman play TAPS on his trumpet and watched my grandma cling to my little sister for strength, when I dropped my red carnations in the river I think I might have let go of some of myself too. Loosing someone you love so much is never easy and it always changes you no matter how much you want to fight it. I am starting to get parts of me back slowly but I closed myself off this past year and only the people who fought for it have stuck around. I know nobody should ever have to fight for your friendship it is another one of those unconditional loves but I was nervous, scared, sad, and angry, and had just said good bye to my grandpa and then a few months later saying see you later to my husband for 7 months. My best defensive mechanism has always been to close up and put my wall up. My friends didn't like it so much to see me close myself off and push them all away and to just let myself go. I did struggle quite a bit, that's an understatement I struggled a lot. But since having my husband back and seeing my grandma still trying to have a life after losing her husband of 50 years how could I not fight to find myself again. My grandma may be cranky a little bit overbearing sometimes she does it all out of love for her family. I didn't think losing my grandpa would hurt as much as it did because I knew he was sick and knew he wouldn't be around forever but it's never easy. When I got my tattoo for him it helped a lot but still couldn't let go. I think I finally let go this Feb when I went to see my grandma and got to see his memorial site. It was beautiful, everything he would of wanted, not a place to mourn him but a place to remember everything he loved and everything he was about. I went with my husband and even though he didn't know my grandpa very well there are things about him that remind me of him. People always say you marry someone who reminds you of all the things you love in your dad but not me, I found someone who reminds me of all the things I love about my grandpa. I wish every day that I could have 5 more mins with my grandpa, but then when I needed it the most I looked up and saw the light coming through the clouds and it reminded me I get those 5 mins every time that light comes through, I get my 5 mins, it reminds me he's watching over me. I am happy I have come to this far. I love my grandpa forever. I will spend my whole life remembering him, but now in the right way. Thursday, March 29, 2012
Looking Back
I have been looking back a lot lately, looking at how my life was a year ago,a year ago I was just letting go of grandfather at his memorial. I listened to the airman play TAPS on his trumpet and watched my grandma cling to my little sister for strength, when I dropped my red carnations in the river I think I might have let go of some of myself too. Loosing someone you love so much is never easy and it always changes you no matter how much you want to fight it. I am starting to get parts of me back slowly but I closed myself off this past year and only the people who fought for it have stuck around. I know nobody should ever have to fight for your friendship it is another one of those unconditional loves but I was nervous, scared, sad, and angry, and had just said good bye to my grandpa and then a few months later saying see you later to my husband for 7 months. My best defensive mechanism has always been to close up and put my wall up. My friends didn't like it so much to see me close myself off and push them all away and to just let myself go. I did struggle quite a bit, that's an understatement I struggled a lot. But since having my husband back and seeing my grandma still trying to have a life after losing her husband of 50 years how could I not fight to find myself again. My grandma may be cranky a little bit overbearing sometimes she does it all out of love for her family. I didn't think losing my grandpa would hurt as much as it did because I knew he was sick and knew he wouldn't be around forever but it's never easy. When I got my tattoo for him it helped a lot but still couldn't let go. I think I finally let go this Feb when I went to see my grandma and got to see his memorial site. It was beautiful, everything he would of wanted, not a place to mourn him but a place to remember everything he loved and everything he was about. I went with my husband and even though he didn't know my grandpa very well there are things about him that remind me of him. People always say you marry someone who reminds you of all the things you love in your dad but not me, I found someone who reminds me of all the things I love about my grandpa. I wish every day that I could have 5 more mins with my grandpa, but then when I needed it the most I looked up and saw the light coming through the clouds and it reminded me I get those 5 mins every time that light comes through, I get my 5 mins, it reminds me he's watching over me. I am happy I have come to this far. I love my grandpa forever. I will spend my whole life remembering him, but now in the right way. 
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