I just have something to say.

I have always been a writer, & the past week is something that I need to write about. Since I was born I have had this amazing man in my life who taught me so much, he taught me how to build & fix things, he told me stories of when he was my age, and he made me believe in the story that all grandfathers are a wonderful gift from god. Then a week ago after fighting for 2 1/2 years, his body just gave out. He did not give up the fight but it was jsut time for him to go home. And I'm angry for that, angry at God for taking the one man who listened to me ramble and was so proud of the smallest things that I did. He was there the day I married the man of my dreams and that I am thankful for, but what about the day I have kids or what about watching my baby sister graduate, or just being able to see any of his other grandkids get married. It's too soon, and I know that is selfish of me. He got to spend 50 wonderful years married to my grandma, he was a POW, he was a great father to 5 kids & a wonderful grandfather to 10 grandkids. He was there the day I did anything of importance, against doctors wishes he came to my wedding too. He said hell or high water, I'm not missing my first grandchild get married. Everyone knows that the person the old phrase, to be truly happy you should marry someone like your dad. I married someone who reminds me a great deal of my grandfather and I'm just sad he didn't get to know him better. He didn't get to hear all the stories I heard growing up, or help my grandpa build an airplane out of wood. I guess I'm angry because I'm selfish. He is in a better place, and he loved us all.

I have a wonderful best friend here in Jax, her name is Kay and I swear sometimes I believe she's my guardian angel. She pushes me to be this better version of myself. She has the light of god in her soul, and I swear she could make an atheist believe. But more than anything she has been by my side. I was always told you get 3 best friends in life, the one you make when you are little, the college/high school best friend, and then the one you meet when you've become who you are meant to be. Kay is the last, and I friend who I know will be in my life till the day I die. She struggles with letting me struggles, she wants to be able to fix it and give me the space I need but she doesn't know how, and I love her for that. She tells me how it is, no sugar coating. I will forever be blessed to have her in my life. She's been broken by this same thing and she will not let it break me, you can tell she will forever fight for my heart.

To top it all off, my husband will most likely be deploying 2 months early & be gone for roughly 7 weeks of training starting in a week or so. My husband is my best friend and I right now is when I need him the most and right now God is testing us. He is saying that at times I will seperate you, and even when he is who you need the most, you must come to me, and I will be there. God got my husband through this last deployment and let him have an open heart to forgive me for not being the best fiance in the world.

All of this added up stress & anger has led to lack of sleep. I have maybe got 3 hrs a sleep a night the past week. And it's cause God is breaking me. He wants me to come to him and he will heal me, but if I'm not ready to be healed or to forgive him, or even talk to him. Does that make me a rebelling child of god? Does that mean there is less love for me? I struggle with these questions. Is it ok for me to be angry with God?Would my grandfather still be proud of the girl he sees now?

Always in my heart.

C.smith

Fights- Part 2

How does something so small become so big... wait, that's wrong because giving someone you're word, or making a promise, is a big deal. Aren't you supposed to be able to trust what your husband says to you, even if it is something as small as I'll make dinner for you tonight. I am pretty lax with most things in our house, and do not mind constantly cooking & cleaning & being the housewife, but when Jess calls on his lunch break & says I'll make you dinner I let myself get excited. I know he has to go into the field this week but come on?! Making dinner takes 30 mins max?! And I even said I'll believe it when I see it, and he said baby I mean it I'm gonna make dinner. As I'm writing this we aren't talking that's how big of a fight it started. And as I write this I see how stupid it is that we are fighting over this but it means so much to me.
There is something not a lot of people know about me. Growing up, my birth dad made a lot of promises & rarely followed through on them, a big part of where my lack of faith in men came from. I told Jess from day 1 you must never make a promise to me you can not keep because that will break my heart more than anything else. AGGGGGHHHH
I'm just so flustered. I have a lot on my shoulders these days, and now we are talking about buying a house, but I'm not sure I can take on much more without giving something up, ya know?? agggghhh
Stressssfullll
Ok I'm done venting & gonna go try & talk things out with my frumpy (fucking grumpy) husband. <3

Always in my heart
c.smith