I just have something to say.

I have always been a writer, & the past week is something that I need to write about. Since I was born I have had this amazing man in my life who taught me so much, he taught me how to build & fix things, he told me stories of when he was my age, and he made me believe in the story that all grandfathers are a wonderful gift from god. Then a week ago after fighting for 2 1/2 years, his body just gave out. He did not give up the fight but it was jsut time for him to go home. And I'm angry for that, angry at God for taking the one man who listened to me ramble and was so proud of the smallest things that I did. He was there the day I married the man of my dreams and that I am thankful for, but what about the day I have kids or what about watching my baby sister graduate, or just being able to see any of his other grandkids get married. It's too soon, and I know that is selfish of me. He got to spend 50 wonderful years married to my grandma, he was a POW, he was a great father to 5 kids & a wonderful grandfather to 10 grandkids. He was there the day I did anything of importance, against doctors wishes he came to my wedding too. He said hell or high water, I'm not missing my first grandchild get married. Everyone knows that the person the old phrase, to be truly happy you should marry someone like your dad. I married someone who reminds me a great deal of my grandfather and I'm just sad he didn't get to know him better. He didn't get to hear all the stories I heard growing up, or help my grandpa build an airplane out of wood. I guess I'm angry because I'm selfish. He is in a better place, and he loved us all.

I have a wonderful best friend here in Jax, her name is Kay and I swear sometimes I believe she's my guardian angel. She pushes me to be this better version of myself. She has the light of god in her soul, and I swear she could make an atheist believe. But more than anything she has been by my side. I was always told you get 3 best friends in life, the one you make when you are little, the college/high school best friend, and then the one you meet when you've become who you are meant to be. Kay is the last, and I friend who I know will be in my life till the day I die. She struggles with letting me struggles, she wants to be able to fix it and give me the space I need but she doesn't know how, and I love her for that. She tells me how it is, no sugar coating. I will forever be blessed to have her in my life. She's been broken by this same thing and she will not let it break me, you can tell she will forever fight for my heart.

To top it all off, my husband will most likely be deploying 2 months early & be gone for roughly 7 weeks of training starting in a week or so. My husband is my best friend and I right now is when I need him the most and right now God is testing us. He is saying that at times I will seperate you, and even when he is who you need the most, you must come to me, and I will be there. God got my husband through this last deployment and let him have an open heart to forgive me for not being the best fiance in the world.

All of this added up stress & anger has led to lack of sleep. I have maybe got 3 hrs a sleep a night the past week. And it's cause God is breaking me. He wants me to come to him and he will heal me, but if I'm not ready to be healed or to forgive him, or even talk to him. Does that make me a rebelling child of god? Does that mean there is less love for me? I struggle with these questions. Is it ok for me to be angry with God?Would my grandfather still be proud of the girl he sees now?

Always in my heart.

C.smith

Fights- Part 2

How does something so small become so big... wait, that's wrong because giving someone you're word, or making a promise, is a big deal. Aren't you supposed to be able to trust what your husband says to you, even if it is something as small as I'll make dinner for you tonight. I am pretty lax with most things in our house, and do not mind constantly cooking & cleaning & being the housewife, but when Jess calls on his lunch break & says I'll make you dinner I let myself get excited. I know he has to go into the field this week but come on?! Making dinner takes 30 mins max?! And I even said I'll believe it when I see it, and he said baby I mean it I'm gonna make dinner. As I'm writing this we aren't talking that's how big of a fight it started. And as I write this I see how stupid it is that we are fighting over this but it means so much to me.
There is something not a lot of people know about me. Growing up, my birth dad made a lot of promises & rarely followed through on them, a big part of where my lack of faith in men came from. I told Jess from day 1 you must never make a promise to me you can not keep because that will break my heart more than anything else. AGGGGGHHHH
I'm just so flustered. I have a lot on my shoulders these days, and now we are talking about buying a house, but I'm not sure I can take on much more without giving something up, ya know?? agggghhh
Stressssfullll
Ok I'm done venting & gonna go try & talk things out with my frumpy (fucking grumpy) husband. <3

Always in my heart
c.smith

Our New Addition.

My husband & I have been talking for awhile if we wanted a boy or a girl and what kind we wanted, and how big they would get. We finally decided to adopt a sweet yellow lab/ golden retriever mix that is 4 months old. His name is bear & he's my little trouble maker. His favorite toy is our left over coke bottles! And it's not just a one day he's done thing, he chews on it for days, most likely weeks at a time.
Bear has made Jess & I closer & made me so so happy. I have someone to keep me company during the day & growl at all the guys that come near me. He is so protective of his momma :)  I could not have picked a better dog. & to know he will be watching over me while Jess is deployed makes me feel even better.

So all my blog readers here is our sweet boy

 

Us & Baby Bear Smith <3

Always In My Heart

C.Smith

Fights- A Moment Of Weakness

Before Jess & I got married we were the couple that never fought and if there was ever a problem we sat and talked about it until it was settled. Now that we're married it seems like sometimes we just fight for the hell of it. I hate fighting and I always will. I feel like shit after every fight, it makes me feel like a failure as a wife that I can not keep things together for him. I do my best around the house and taking care of all his stuff but sometimes I get busy. I am a full time student, full time nanny to a 4 month old baby, and a full time housewife. Eventually you run out of time, the day ends, and there are things that are forgotten. I know I am expected to be this person who never hurts and is indestructible but even a marine wife has her moments of weakness. I see fights as the point where someone is at their weakest and yet they are still picked on and they fall even more. I love my husband more than life itself, but I DO NOT love the fighting! I feel like it is a breaking point for a relationship and after it's over you have to rebuild, like when battles happen and cities have to rebuild.

As bad as this might sound it sometimes help that my husband is a marine, cause there are times when our relationship gets tough and then he has to go away for a week or a few months. And then the time apart heals things.

always in my heart
c.smith

Military Wife Poem

The average age of the military wife is 20 years old.
She isn't old enough to buy a beer, but is old enough to manage a whole ho...usehold on her own, and maybe, has a kid or two.
She probably never saw herself loving a man who was in the military, but she loves him regardless.
Her penmanship has improved over the last few months or years, due to the excessive letter writing she has been doing.
She cries alot, because she misses the man she swore to love. Her life isn't complete without him.
She looks very tired, because of her many nights without sleep, due to a late night phone call that never came or a call that came and kept her up all night, just because she heard his voice and is too overjoyed to sleep.
As a wife, she is classified as a dependent, but she is totally independent. She tends to her household, her kids, her school work, and her job, all without her husband.
She manages to wear a smile, even though inside she's crying.
She understands that the man she loves has to go far away and is proud of him but also scared for him.
She understands that he can be taken away from her in a moment.
She feels a great sense of pride and gets teary eyed whenever she hears the National Anthem, sees a flag blowing in the breeze, or watches the news and hears about another soldier dying.
She goes weeks without a call or a letter, but she writes him every second she gets.
She knows how to convert civilian time into military time.
She knows how to iron his clothes and how to get the creases just right.
She gets annoyed when she hears someone complaining about not seeing their boyfriend for a few hours or a few days.
She may not have see him for months but she remembers everything about him, every scar he has, the way he smells, whether or not he snores, the look in his eyes and the way he feels when she holds him.
She has every picture of him and them out, and in frames, and she stares at them for hours on end
She has read every letter and e-mail over and over again.
Even though her man is half a world away, she still manages to go on with her life, as he would want her to.
She has at least one Support out Troops pen and a magnet on her car.
Half her wardrobe is based on his military branch. She never knew that she could love camouflage.
Next time you see her, you'll know her, thank her for what the man she loves is doing. She will greatly appreciate it and she will smile and thank you. Just because you thanked her she will smile the rest of of of the day!

The Now

Everyone misses the past from time to time, especially us living this military life knowing, the past was a time when we didn't have to say goodbye. The great thing about life is that it is always going, right now it is passing by the seconds. There is always time for change. If you don't like the way something is, if you have the power to change it, DO IT! Do not let another minute pass that you are unhappy with the life you have. I got lucky to have my best friend walk by my side for the rest of my life, MY HUSBAND. :) He tries so hard to make me happy every second of every day. There are days I wonder what my life would be like if we had never gotten back together and gotten married. Then I look around and see that if we didn't take this leap we wouldn't have each other. I may have given up a lot to be here, some friends, leaving my hometown (comfort zone), and having my family right there. I see now that, that is a part of life! You sometimes give up things to make room for the new things life has to show you. I have made great new friends and gotten to keep some of my old ones ( the real ones). I am still very close with my family, they are so supportive of our marriage and are always calling to see how we're doing. The now is all about keeping what's important to me and changing what isn't. I usually don't stand up for myself but now I've learned how to, thanks to some of my new friends. Life isn't about being perfect, then it wouldn't be fun.

Always In My Heart
C.Smith

Unappreciated

I always thought that doing everything I do for my husband I would get more thank yous for it. I think sometimes he forgets how much I do and how much I have sacrificed. I let him take my car I wake up every morning with him to help him get ready for work. I make sure he has dinner every night and try and keep the house clean. I handle all of our finances cause money irritates him. I work so hard and some days he comes home and he doesn't even act like he cares. Sometime I do not even hear a thank you. I know he's had a rough day, but I'm a full time nanny and I have to deal with that all day on top of all the cleaning, so it's not like I'm asking for much.
AGGHHH Just needed to vent

Always in my heart
C.Smith