The Porch Swing

This weekend was my birthday and for those of you who do not know my husband is currently on his second deployment. My parents came up from Florida so I would have some family with me on my birthday and that in itself was an amazing present. I have known for the last month that my hubby was planning a birthday surprise for me and that our 2 closest friends were in on it. My birthday morning came and all but ran next door to my friends house to get it. She brought it over and I came outside and...... it was a PORCH SWING!!! For those of you who do not know me that well I do not think a front porch is complete without an old fashioned porch swing. This present meant more to me then I could ever explain, the fact Jess went through that much work to make sure I got a gift from him on my birthday. I love him more and more every day and he got something that we can use forever and it's for both of us. To me it was like saying I wanna spend the next 50 years swinging on this next to you, to show me how invested he was in us even from thousands of miles away. He would have done anything to be here for my birthday and I know in my heart he was right here with each heartbeat I could feel his love. I plan to have our last name carved into the swing and I hope to be able to post a picture once it's hung. I am more in love with him then I ever thought I could be with one person. I love you Jesse.
Always in my heart,
C.Smith

The Packing, The Moving, The Going.

She packs. She moves. She follows. Why? What for? How come? You may think she has lost her mind. But actually, she's lost her heart. Given to a man who took it thousands of miles away. A man who puts duty first, who salutes the flag, and whose boots in the doorway remind her that it takes one hell of a person to do what he does & she will forever stand by his side. As we start to pack to move into our house I remind myself of this. I do what I have to keep all the stress off my husband and take on more than I probably should to always make him happy. My friends will tell you I take on more than I should and if you asked my body it would probably say the same thing. I get constant nausea from being so stressed something I am trying to work on. Just when we got settled we are moving again but now it is in to a house that will soon become our home. Right after we close on the house or possibly even a few days before my husband will be deploying again. I knew this was a possibility, I guess I just didn't wanna believe it would actually happen. There are days when I keep my emotions to myself, when drama happens I don't tell Jess as often as I used to to keep more stress off of him. I have made great friends in this life we live that will support me, help me, and take care of me while Jess is away. I've slowly taken all the pictures off the walls and the wall of filled boxes keeps getting stacked higher & higher. I wish some days that we could just call up the packing fairy and say move this here and if you feel like buying new furniture along the way and just dropping it my new living room I won't complain. We all know that's a fantasy though, that all of this hard work & effort will pay off in the end. I will be so proud of myself for doing this and decorating the house and not having to take handouts to be able to afford the new furniture we want. We are keeping almost all our hand me down furniture until we find the stuff we love and have made the money for it. I am even taking on a job this deployment to keep myself busy & help with our savings. I know I don't have to, that we could live just fine without it but to know that we would have more money to fall back on makes me happier. I also get rewarded for all my hard work during this deployment and I get to buy the camera of my dreams with all the gadgets. Jess has made me wait 2 years to get this camera but he has finally agreed. I have a 35mm that I will still take pictures with and am so proud of but more than anything I am fulfilling my dreams and following my heart. Since I was little I have always loved the beauty you can find behind the lens of a camera, you can see the world differently and capture the way you see it. I have not said this to many people but my goal one day is to travel to poverty stricken areas and do some photojournalism work along with missionary work. I can't not say it enough how much I love this type of art. I know I went off on a little rant, but I just can't wait to be able to hang my art around our house!!!! It's a dream come true, the house, the husband, the art. I feel like everything is finally going to be exactly the way I've always wanted minus the deployment. 

ALWAYS IN MY HEART,

C.SMITH

What we've all been waiting for.

We have all waited since the day those towers fell to hear that Osama Bin Laden is dead, now we can all feel a little more at ease to know that he is. President Obama made his speech on the matter last night, if you would like to read it here is a link
http://www.vancouversun.com/news/Read+President+Obama+statement+Osama+Laden+death/4707477/story.html
He says quite frequently in his speech the word "I" and rarely the word "we". I am so proud to call myself a military wife but I would never take responsibility for something I didn't accomplish. Obama may sit behind his desk, sign off on things, and make important calls, but last time I checked he was not the one taking the risks. He does not fire the weapon, he does not make the sacrifice, he does not leave his family worrying if he will make it back. Our troops do that and I believe they deserve more credit then given. I know some people will not like this post & that is perfectly fine you don't have to. This is America and we have the right of freedom of speech, not given to us by the president but given to us by the men & women who fight for us every day. The ones who truly risks their lives and some that have already made the ultimate sacrifice. So while we all rejoice in the fact that a man who helped plan the murder of thousands is dead please remember to pray for our troops who still fight and pray for those that will never come home because they give you the freedom. The president just sits there and gives the orders he does not suffer the consequences.

Always in My heart
C.smith

Coming Home

The four words that help all of us wives sleep better at night " I am coming home". Jess will be home soon from training and I can't wait. I will be cleaning the house completely which is a lot of work if you know me. I will be giving our puppy a bath and making a dinner menu for the week he comes home. It's back to normal for us. Jess is my slice of normal in this military life. He reminds me every day why I fell in love with him in the first place.For those of you that read my blog and aren't military wives treat your husbands like they have been away for weeks even if they haven't. The way to keep a marriage going is to be constantly falling in love with the same person over and over again. I know he'll only be home for a month but for me that is better than nothing. I will take every second and cling to it! I will take as pictures as I can remember to, and spend less time on my phone and computer and more time with Jess. I realize more every day how precious life is and that you never know how much time you have left on this earth so cherish it.

Always in my heart,
C.Smith

You knew what you were getting yourself into

Since day one of being with my husband I have been told by anyone and everyone that you don't know what you're getting yourself into this life isn't gonna be easy. Thank you guys for the words of encouragement. Now that we are married I hear all the time well you knew what you were getting yourself into when you got married so you shouldn't complain when you're alone, or be sad your husband isn't there. EXCUSE ME?! You live this life with no complaining, no tears, and no sadness. I fell in love with Jess for who he is, not he job, HIM!
When I started planning our wedding during his first deployment my mother told me she wasn't sure if it was the best idea to plan so early, what if something were to "happen" to Jess. At the time I just brushed it off. All I wanted was for him to come home and any time someone would say something like that I would walk away and cry and later have nightmares. Jesse came home safely, and my mom was thrilled. Well 2nd deployment was a few months away and we were signing the papers for our brand new house and my mom asks me if that is the best idea, what if Jess doesn't come back. I then got overwhelmed with sadness but once again I let it go and let the nightmares come back.
Well tonight my mom brought it back up, that I shouldn't complain cause I knew what I was getting myself into and this time I broke, I may have known what I was getting into but it does not make it any easier for me or for Jess. Then she brought up the well God forbid something happens to him Chels, and I broke again, and I ended up hanging up on her after saying you don't think I don't think about that every second of every day. I know that is a possibility, I know he could not come home and he could possibly die. Every day of my life I worry about him.
I'm so tired of hearing that.
always in my
heart
c.smith

I just have something to say.

I have always been a writer, & the past week is something that I need to write about. Since I was born I have had this amazing man in my life who taught me so much, he taught me how to build & fix things, he told me stories of when he was my age, and he made me believe in the story that all grandfathers are a wonderful gift from god. Then a week ago after fighting for 2 1/2 years, his body just gave out. He did not give up the fight but it was jsut time for him to go home. And I'm angry for that, angry at God for taking the one man who listened to me ramble and was so proud of the smallest things that I did. He was there the day I married the man of my dreams and that I am thankful for, but what about the day I have kids or what about watching my baby sister graduate, or just being able to see any of his other grandkids get married. It's too soon, and I know that is selfish of me. He got to spend 50 wonderful years married to my grandma, he was a POW, he was a great father to 5 kids & a wonderful grandfather to 10 grandkids. He was there the day I did anything of importance, against doctors wishes he came to my wedding too. He said hell or high water, I'm not missing my first grandchild get married. Everyone knows that the person the old phrase, to be truly happy you should marry someone like your dad. I married someone who reminds me a great deal of my grandfather and I'm just sad he didn't get to know him better. He didn't get to hear all the stories I heard growing up, or help my grandpa build an airplane out of wood. I guess I'm angry because I'm selfish. He is in a better place, and he loved us all.

I have a wonderful best friend here in Jax, her name is Kay and I swear sometimes I believe she's my guardian angel. She pushes me to be this better version of myself. She has the light of god in her soul, and I swear she could make an atheist believe. But more than anything she has been by my side. I was always told you get 3 best friends in life, the one you make when you are little, the college/high school best friend, and then the one you meet when you've become who you are meant to be. Kay is the last, and I friend who I know will be in my life till the day I die. She struggles with letting me struggles, she wants to be able to fix it and give me the space I need but she doesn't know how, and I love her for that. She tells me how it is, no sugar coating. I will forever be blessed to have her in my life. She's been broken by this same thing and she will not let it break me, you can tell she will forever fight for my heart.

To top it all off, my husband will most likely be deploying 2 months early & be gone for roughly 7 weeks of training starting in a week or so. My husband is my best friend and I right now is when I need him the most and right now God is testing us. He is saying that at times I will seperate you, and even when he is who you need the most, you must come to me, and I will be there. God got my husband through this last deployment and let him have an open heart to forgive me for not being the best fiance in the world.

All of this added up stress & anger has led to lack of sleep. I have maybe got 3 hrs a sleep a night the past week. And it's cause God is breaking me. He wants me to come to him and he will heal me, but if I'm not ready to be healed or to forgive him, or even talk to him. Does that make me a rebelling child of god? Does that mean there is less love for me? I struggle with these questions. Is it ok for me to be angry with God?Would my grandfather still be proud of the girl he sees now?

Always in my heart.

C.smith

Fights- Part 2

How does something so small become so big... wait, that's wrong because giving someone you're word, or making a promise, is a big deal. Aren't you supposed to be able to trust what your husband says to you, even if it is something as small as I'll make dinner for you tonight. I am pretty lax with most things in our house, and do not mind constantly cooking & cleaning & being the housewife, but when Jess calls on his lunch break & says I'll make you dinner I let myself get excited. I know he has to go into the field this week but come on?! Making dinner takes 30 mins max?! And I even said I'll believe it when I see it, and he said baby I mean it I'm gonna make dinner. As I'm writing this we aren't talking that's how big of a fight it started. And as I write this I see how stupid it is that we are fighting over this but it means so much to me.
There is something not a lot of people know about me. Growing up, my birth dad made a lot of promises & rarely followed through on them, a big part of where my lack of faith in men came from. I told Jess from day 1 you must never make a promise to me you can not keep because that will break my heart more than anything else. AGGGGGHHHH
I'm just so flustered. I have a lot on my shoulders these days, and now we are talking about buying a house, but I'm not sure I can take on much more without giving something up, ya know?? agggghhh
Stressssfullll
Ok I'm done venting & gonna go try & talk things out with my frumpy (fucking grumpy) husband. <3

Always in my heart
c.smith

Our New Addition.

My husband & I have been talking for awhile if we wanted a boy or a girl and what kind we wanted, and how big they would get. We finally decided to adopt a sweet yellow lab/ golden retriever mix that is 4 months old. His name is bear & he's my little trouble maker. His favorite toy is our left over coke bottles! And it's not just a one day he's done thing, he chews on it for days, most likely weeks at a time.
Bear has made Jess & I closer & made me so so happy. I have someone to keep me company during the day & growl at all the guys that come near me. He is so protective of his momma :)  I could not have picked a better dog. & to know he will be watching over me while Jess is deployed makes me feel even better.

So all my blog readers here is our sweet boy

 

Us & Baby Bear Smith <3

Always In My Heart

C.Smith

Fights- A Moment Of Weakness

Before Jess & I got married we were the couple that never fought and if there was ever a problem we sat and talked about it until it was settled. Now that we're married it seems like sometimes we just fight for the hell of it. I hate fighting and I always will. I feel like shit after every fight, it makes me feel like a failure as a wife that I can not keep things together for him. I do my best around the house and taking care of all his stuff but sometimes I get busy. I am a full time student, full time nanny to a 4 month old baby, and a full time housewife. Eventually you run out of time, the day ends, and there are things that are forgotten. I know I am expected to be this person who never hurts and is indestructible but even a marine wife has her moments of weakness. I see fights as the point where someone is at their weakest and yet they are still picked on and they fall even more. I love my husband more than life itself, but I DO NOT love the fighting! I feel like it is a breaking point for a relationship and after it's over you have to rebuild, like when battles happen and cities have to rebuild.

As bad as this might sound it sometimes help that my husband is a marine, cause there are times when our relationship gets tough and then he has to go away for a week or a few months. And then the time apart heals things.

always in my heart
c.smith

Military Wife Poem

The average age of the military wife is 20 years old.
She isn't old enough to buy a beer, but is old enough to manage a whole ho...usehold on her own, and maybe, has a kid or two.
She probably never saw herself loving a man who was in the military, but she loves him regardless.
Her penmanship has improved over the last few months or years, due to the excessive letter writing she has been doing.
She cries alot, because she misses the man she swore to love. Her life isn't complete without him.
She looks very tired, because of her many nights without sleep, due to a late night phone call that never came or a call that came and kept her up all night, just because she heard his voice and is too overjoyed to sleep.
As a wife, she is classified as a dependent, but she is totally independent. She tends to her household, her kids, her school work, and her job, all without her husband.
She manages to wear a smile, even though inside she's crying.
She understands that the man she loves has to go far away and is proud of him but also scared for him.
She understands that he can be taken away from her in a moment.
She feels a great sense of pride and gets teary eyed whenever she hears the National Anthem, sees a flag blowing in the breeze, or watches the news and hears about another soldier dying.
She goes weeks without a call or a letter, but she writes him every second she gets.
She knows how to convert civilian time into military time.
She knows how to iron his clothes and how to get the creases just right.
She gets annoyed when she hears someone complaining about not seeing their boyfriend for a few hours or a few days.
She may not have see him for months but she remembers everything about him, every scar he has, the way he smells, whether or not he snores, the look in his eyes and the way he feels when she holds him.
She has every picture of him and them out, and in frames, and she stares at them for hours on end
She has read every letter and e-mail over and over again.
Even though her man is half a world away, she still manages to go on with her life, as he would want her to.
She has at least one Support out Troops pen and a magnet on her car.
Half her wardrobe is based on his military branch. She never knew that she could love camouflage.
Next time you see her, you'll know her, thank her for what the man she loves is doing. She will greatly appreciate it and she will smile and thank you. Just because you thanked her she will smile the rest of of of the day!

The Now

Everyone misses the past from time to time, especially us living this military life knowing, the past was a time when we didn't have to say goodbye. The great thing about life is that it is always going, right now it is passing by the seconds. There is always time for change. If you don't like the way something is, if you have the power to change it, DO IT! Do not let another minute pass that you are unhappy with the life you have. I got lucky to have my best friend walk by my side for the rest of my life, MY HUSBAND. :) He tries so hard to make me happy every second of every day. There are days I wonder what my life would be like if we had never gotten back together and gotten married. Then I look around and see that if we didn't take this leap we wouldn't have each other. I may have given up a lot to be here, some friends, leaving my hometown (comfort zone), and having my family right there. I see now that, that is a part of life! You sometimes give up things to make room for the new things life has to show you. I have made great new friends and gotten to keep some of my old ones ( the real ones). I am still very close with my family, they are so supportive of our marriage and are always calling to see how we're doing. The now is all about keeping what's important to me and changing what isn't. I usually don't stand up for myself but now I've learned how to, thanks to some of my new friends. Life isn't about being perfect, then it wouldn't be fun.

Always In My Heart
C.Smith

Unappreciated

I always thought that doing everything I do for my husband I would get more thank yous for it. I think sometimes he forgets how much I do and how much I have sacrificed. I let him take my car I wake up every morning with him to help him get ready for work. I make sure he has dinner every night and try and keep the house clean. I handle all of our finances cause money irritates him. I work so hard and some days he comes home and he doesn't even act like he cares. Sometime I do not even hear a thank you. I know he's had a rough day, but I'm a full time nanny and I have to deal with that all day on top of all the cleaning, so it's not like I'm asking for much.
AGGHHH Just needed to vent

Always in my heart
C.Smith

Alone Time

As a marine wife, you can never complain about not having enough alone time. Jess is training for his next deployment and all the field days and stuff are draining. I love him more than anything in this world I'm just lonely. People ask me all the time, well if you hate being alone then why choose to fall in love with a marine. Well I didn't choose anything, it chose me. You don't pick who you fall in love with, you just do, and the marine corp was a part of the package. Sometimes I wonder what our life would be like without the marines, but then I look around and I'm thankful for everything. The move was good for both of us, to live in a place where we can start over, make new friends and depend on each other. He knows me better than anybody and knows that I love my girl time, but he also knows at the end of the day all I want is to be snuggling next to him when I fall asleep. There are weeks, and months that we have spent apart and will spend apart in our future, but all those moments only make us stronger. Only remind me how lucky I am to have a man that would sacrifice so much to protect the country he loves. I think it's funny when I hear other wives say, man I don't have enough time with my friends, Come spend a day in my shoes, you'll change your mind! I got lucky and got one of those guys that isn't all about spending time with his friends. I am his number one, 2nd only to his job. We learn from day one that we don't always come first but we will accept any time we can get with them. Even from thousands of miles away Jess made me feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world. Constant letters, and little pictures he drew for me. Alone time like this past week and a half isn't something I love but something that makes me remember how much I love and need Jess. When I have a rough day he is one of the only people to make it better and I cherish every moment with him. For my single friends, or civilian friends, please know I'm not saying alone time is bad, I'm not saying it's not for me. I get enough space from my husband! I do not need any more alone time.

Always In My Heart
C.Smith